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Tuesday, July 19th, 2011

Subject:fuck customer service
Time:2:56 pm.
yo... i need to be paid a lot more than 10$ an hour to deal with a bunch of fucking twitty bitches that are never going to be satisfied despite the excellent customer service i do my best to provide their dumb asses with. this shit is fucking redic. i dont understand why some people - especially those who are in a pretty good place economically speaking - are such super fucking douchemonkies. somebody makes a very harmless mistake and they act like the world is coming to a fucking end.

im just pissed because this fucking bitch made an order for one of her male employees. she was concerned about ordering his gift from a flower shop and wanted me to make sure that we got him a masculine plant and masculine balloons. i say no problem, thinking close to nothing about it. of course in retrospect i probably should have investigated the balloons a little more thorougly and telephoned her when i discover that we really don't have shit in that specific category... so yeah my fuckin bad whatever here's what i did-

two balloons that said party time! one was black with stars the other was blue with confetti. a third balloon was silver and had a picture of superman on it, and the fourth was a yellow one that said felis cumpleanos but it popped so i just grabbed a purple one that said happy birthday and decided to hope for the best.

not five minutes after i get back from delivering she calls up all in a huff about the balloons looking like shit as if they'd been used before and run over by a truck, and complaining that i am a retard for thinking 'a grown man who works in an office' would want a superman balloon. i made the mistake of laughing at that and she was like 'you have a messed up sense of humor this is no laughing matter i want to speak to the manager' BLA BLA BLA

so my boss had me drive back to deliver four different balloons but of course while they were totally fresh and new they were pink and purple and floral. the lady had a complete hissy fit and had me take all 8 of them back to the shop and demanded her money back.

honestly i can understand why she wanted her money back especially if the dude was unhappy about it. i never got to hear his opinion about it only hers, and my problem with hearing her opinion is that she gave it to me in the most fucking rude and bitchy way possible! if she could have just been like, listen thats really not what i had in mind id really appreciate my money back, i wouldnt have gotten pissed off at all but she was a total fucking cuntbag and thinking about it still makes me really fucking irritated!!!!! seriously wtf

i hate people!!!!!!!!!
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Wednesday, April 6th, 2011

Time:3:07 pm.

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Friday, March 11th, 2011

Subject:im gonna turn this into a rant journal
Time:4:57 pm.
not that it wasnt one before but this time its gonna be official im only gonna write about shit that pisses me off, for entertainment purposes.

so my first entry of the new journal i would like to discuss one thing in particular


ok this muffin top obsession thing has got to stop. OMG so theres like an inch or two of a layer of your lovehandles flowing over someones jeans...... who cares man it doesnt make them fat......... so what if you have a 'muffin top' it doesnt mean u have to start starving yourself and losing weight

actually there is a REALLY SIMPLE SOLUTION to this "problem"


on the overall, you are probably not overweight. but one thing is for sure, your ASS is definitely too big for your current pants.

but its ok!!!!! seriously dont freak out, dont become anorexic or bulimic, just go out to the store and start tryin on pants until you find some that FIT. dont obsess over what size you gotta get, it DOESNT MATTER. nobody gives a fuck if you're a 00 a 5 or a 12 or even a fucking 20 so long as you dont dress like a fucking retard.

honestly. wear clothes that fit. then you wont have problems with bulges over your pants. dumb people!!!!!!!!!!!
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Monday, February 15th, 2010

Time:11:44 pm.
ah it's been a trying day. had a pretty uncomfortable and depressing conversation with my grandfather today. i'm feeling so completely apathetic....... i really wish i could just live in my dreams. cant wait to fall alseep tonight.
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Sunday, February 14th, 2010

Time:9:58 pm.
its weird how even when shit goes through a drastic change, it ends up right back where you fuckin started.

in other news i think i might just move to some college town in PA or FL depending on how ballsy i feel. i keep thinking i have friends here but i am mistaken. these people are not my friends. they just either want something from me or nothing to do with me and i just desperately want to have friends. i am so sick of this. i am so sick of everything.

i am still in this state of shock over all this sudden family drama. it's fucking bullshit and i don't understand what in the hell happened. it really makes me ....... uneasy. and other things.

basically i'm just freaking out. i just want to cry.

i dont know where to go.
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Wednesday, February 10th, 2010

Time:2:17 pm.
i neeeeed to be in my own place by the end of the week. just for my own personal satisfaction. it's not gonna happen but whatever im just trying to nail it. POWER. lets do this. fuck.
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Sunday, January 31st, 2010

Time:5:39 pm.
i think i might just be a cubic centimeter of grime underneath a construction worker's boot.

i have no idea where my car keys are.

i have no idea why there arent any bruises on my face or neck.

i have no idea what the FUCK i am doing
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Saturday, January 30th, 2010

Subject:i dont even know what i wanted to write anymore
Time:8:20 pm.
but i've got the groove goin, man. something i haven't felt in some time. i feel like there's this energy inside of me that is waking up. it's like i'm finally summoning akara. lol just thinking about it makes me really happy. anyways though i have a lot to do. i have a lot of plans to make. i have a lot to accomplish but the thing is i am pretty sure it will be easy once i get started. like that snowball effect thing lol

i can kind of taste how good my life is going to be once i slay the dragon.

as for right now, i am pretty damn excited about taking a shower. this may sound gross but i totally cut my ass somehow ... lmao i dont fucking know man but whatever we're all humans here i think we can comfortably talk about having bodily related wounds of hilarious natures. ANYWAY all i am trying to say is that showering is going to be good !!!!!!!

this is random but i want to know what the big fuss is over walter matthau he is not funny
yet i am still watching grumpier old men
wtf the remote is right here too fuck this im changing the channel!!! lol damn there is nothing on tv ever fuck

anyway now that im high time to shower lol maybe i will get inspired
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Friday, January 29th, 2010

Time:8:20 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
it's like when you're watching the weather forecast and the weather guy is pointing at a map he cant even see talking about shit that may or may not happen up to several days from now........ and you think to yourself, 'what the fuck man' and change the channel but there's this uncertainty looming behind you because after thousands of years we still haven't figured out how to really tell the weather

then you remember that we've studied ourselves enough to know that we dont use 70% of our brain


ps i am addicted to celebrity rehab w dr drew...........
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Monday, January 25th, 2010

Time:6:29 pm.
Mood: gloomy.
i am fuckin starving........ dont really want to wait to eat....... however i dont really want to go anywhere either.....

i feel evil. this kid i never liked shot himself in the head and died and i dont give a shit. i'm smug about it and i remember the time i got drunk as fuck and left a nasty voicemail on his phone, saying a bunch of drunken shit about how i hate him and think hes a skeezy lowlife idiot faggot who should kill himself........ i never appologized and even after finding out he was raped when he was a kid i really cant say i feel bad.

whatever i have always known that i am evil.

not really a problem.

i am so fucking hungry.
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Sunday, January 24th, 2010

Time:6:26 pm.
so my sister just sneezed and then immediately shouted, "EW!"

i am cracking up.

all i need are the simple things. lol
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Thursday, January 14th, 2010

Time:5:43 pm.
Mood: overwhelmed.
it's like this voice in my head ... i cant hear it but i can feel it inside of me, begging me to run away. BEGGING. pushing me, yearning, driving me, screaming at me to run away. dying for me to run away.

but i'm not going anywhere.

i never seem to get any damn where.
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Wednesday, January 13th, 2010

Time:6:34 pm.
epic fail at staying away from him.
i always forgive him.

well so far so good for now.

in other news am no longer broke so thats a lot of stress off my shoulders at least. however also am on my period now (finally...) so CRAMPS OF DEATH are keeping me from really enjoying my life.

also there's some additional family stress on the home front lately. aunt's visiting specifically to do "necessary repairs" and it's making her sister (my mom) crazy. BOTH of them vent about it to me and i cant really vent to anyone about it so UGH to that.


all i want to do now is clean my apartment but my aunt's staying there. i was going to be staying with my sister but it seems like i'll just be staying with him instead. might as well since we're getting along now. he said he'd never do acid again if i didnt want him to. i really hope he understands that he is too forceful. lately he seems to be having less trouble letting me go and that is a relief. i hope it continues to happen and it's not just some trial phase until i screw up.

whatever ill feel better when i have a job.
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Sunday, January 10th, 2010

Time:4:16 pm.
so it seemed like everything was going really positively, right? well it almost goes without saying that they wound up getting FUCKED UP.

yesterday i stayed at home cleaning - correction: busting my ass cleaning - and i *gasp* didn't call him. i figured that, as he made clear earlier in the day, when he got out of work he would come straight to my house to pick up some stuff he left here that he said he was going to need. hours went by from the time he got out of work but he never came by. i figured that there was no problem so i didn't call. i knew that he was tripping with his friend and his friend's brother so i didn't want to call and interrupt anything.

apparently that was a big mistake on my part.

630 in the morning rolls around, i'd finally managed to stop myself from cleaning and get maybe an hour of sleep, and he's in my face asking why i didn't call and why.... and i will quote "why was my friend mentioning your name more than i was?", and he invented this big story about how i am in love with his friend and cheating on him with his friend blah blah blah... he was out of his god damned mind.

it took me four hours until i couldn't take it anymore and started having a panic attack, then shouting at him at the top of my lungs, begging him to leave but he wouldn't go. he begged me to let him sleep next to me, so i let him and when he woke up at 115 he immediately started harassing me and asking me what drugs i was coming down from and why i was being such a "cunt bitch" yadda yadda yadda, then begging me not to shout, then saying hurtful things, then begging me not to shout, begging me not to leave.... but i am stealthy and eventually made a successful run for the door and i ran into the house (my apartment here at home is above our garage, connected to the house by a small breezeway) and i waited for him to leave.

it took him a fucking half hour but he finally put his shit in his car and left....... then came back because he lost his cell phone and was convinced i had it here, so we turned my apartment upside down into a big fucking MESS again, then we looked in his car and we didnt find it there, we decide to go look at his place and it turned out i locked myself out of my apartment so i had to climb a ladder into the fuckin window and it scared the crap out of my cat and she scratched my face, then we drove to his house and it was UNDER HIS BED....... then he drove me back here and we ALMOST had a calm and loving conversation but when i made it clear to him i would no longer be his girlfriend he became very aggressive and cruel

THIS IS THE FUCKING END. if he dares to come here again i am not taking him back i am killing him. or brutally wounding him. he says all this shit like i am nobody without him, like being with him has opened social doors for me... the reality is that I made HIM feel much cooler and better than he really was, and the repercussions of that are that i no longer have any friends. he says that since i've never been single since i was 15 i'm going to act like this huge slut. before he left he made sure to say that he's felt like a loser for the entire time we were dating.

UGH i am in such a bad place right now. i just made plans to hang out with a couple friends because it was one of their birthday party's yesterday i missed because of shit with FUCKHEAD. im uncomfortable though because if FUCKHEAD gets off work early tonight he might come by my apartment, since i cant lock it without locking myself out, and i dont trust him. either he'll steal shit or break shit or stay until i get back home and grill me about what i've been up to, he is unpredictable and vengeful and seriously i wouldn't be surprised by anything he did. if i were smart i'd pack my shit up right now and get the hell out of town............... i need to think about this.
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Friday, January 8th, 2010

Time:3:07 am.
For all intents and purposes the past three days could have been worse. For what it's worth I'm feeling merely tired. No guilt, no stress, no aggravation. And we're actually still together and have been smiling. I have to restart my computer now so that sims3 will work again.
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Sunday, January 3rd, 2010

Time:6:01 pm.
Mood: amused.
OK so theres some shit on the travel channel right now about the most interesting mcdonalds around the world...... fucked up lol

for the record i hate mcdonalds, their burgers make me puke and everything else just tastes like bland low quality food. ok the fries are OK.

honestly when it comes to fast food i am a fan of taco bell and every so often i enjoy some BK chicken fries or burger shots (theyre just tooooo cuuuuute) but honestly being from CT when it comes to 'fast food' i pick DUCHESS all the way baby!

haha i never would have left savannah if they had a duchess. checkers is good but they just don't cut it. sonic is awful, crystals is awful....... actually there was this drive-thru chinese food place called green tea which was decent LOL

wow i think about food too much.
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Time:6:45 am.
well that went ok.

i think at least this time around if we're gonna break up we'll be able to do it on some non-stressful terms.

and if not well then i guess i'll just say i told myself so and carry on with feeling sorry for myself and slowly accumulate garbage and cats until i hoard myself to death

LOL gross i hope not

that show hoarders scares the crap outta me though. not because of how gross living conditions end up getting but because i can relate so easily to those poor lost people. i know what it's like to watch dishes pile up in the sink and on the counters and the table and suddenly everywhere else, and watch mold grow on them and on shit in the fridge, and watch flies start to breed, and watch laundry piles slowly start to form..... i have seen it with my own eyes in my own fucking apartment and i know how sad it feels to be that person, that lone person just sitting and watching it. watching it but not doing anything about it, because it seems so unreal that you could end up in that position, so unreal that you could make so much mess because it feels like you don't do anything. but that's the whole point - you don't do anything. and you get stuck in that routine of doing nothing and watching as everything piles up around you and soon you lack all motivation to crawl out from the rubble, you just want it to collapse on top of you, and soon that's all you're waiting for............

usually i somehow muster up enough motivation to climb out of the rubble and clean up a large majority of it before it starts to slowly accumulate all over again... it is a delicate process vastly dependant on my moods and the amount of time spent in between cleaning sessions. if i clean every day i can keep feelings of worthlessness and inferiority to a minimum but if i miss even one day everything gets fucked and it takes me much too long to get back into the routine.

on that note, i'd like to say that all things considered i actually feel like i'm in a pretty good mood right now. granted since the big fight the other day i haven't done any cleaning - of my apartment OR myself for that matter - but after making up with him today i feel like a lot of weight has been lifted from my shoulders and if i can manage to wake up feeling refreshed this afternoon i might be able to talk myself into doing at least an hour of solid cleaning as well as showering and brushing my teeth.

wow when i talk about it like this i feel like such a fucking failure. i hope that i did the right thing tonight.

it didn't feel right to leave things between us on such uncomfortable terms, but was it right to decide to give the relationship another shot? it feels nice in his arms when we're getting along and it really makes me happy when i can make him happy, but not if i have to work at it.

sometimes it feels like he makes me work at it just to see how much i love him. and if that's really how it is then there's no way we're gonna make it. but if i'm not willing to work at it then why would i even agree to giving it another shot? i dont think i would have agreed though if i really felt that it was going to be a lot of work. anyway theres nothing wrong with a little bit of a challenge.

this staying up all night until 6:30 in the morning though has really got to come to an end. before it was acceptable because it was new years, and my cousin was visiting and as per our family tradition we spent as much time together as possible since we see each other so rarely. but i really hate how he keeps me up all night because it's convenient for him, knowing full well how much it screws up pretty much everything for me.

fuck but i really am not trying to think about all the negatives right now. i get so caught up in all the bullshit sometimes that i forget to cherish the good things. i get so focused on how he can be so selfish, ignorant and rude that i stop seeing how thoughtful and sweet and gentle and caring he really is.

so on that note i'm not even going to play sims after posting this, i'm going to go straight to sleep. and when i wake up i'm going to spend a full hour washing dishes before showering and then i am going to call him and tell him i love him.

is it a lie if you aren't sure if it's true?
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Saturday, January 2nd, 2010

Time:1:24 am.
well i dont know exactly what to do but one thing is for sure....... i dont want to go to sleep yet. so i guess ill just let my cuz crash in my bed again and go downstairs and watch tv down there for the rest of the night... yea i will prob just stay up all night. hopefully some good shit will be on.
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Friday, January 1st, 2010

Subject:ok... i can do this....
Time:1:21 pm.
Mood: stressed.
i CAN be single. i WILL be free. i REFUSE to get back together with him. refuse. i can do this. i will not be bullied around just because HE is selfish and insecure. i will not be spoken to like a conniving whore or like a child. i will not be treated like a slut and pretend that it is love. i do not love him. i can do this......... ughhhh i wish i believed myself....... fuck

that fucking asshole though. he has the nerve to come over here at like 5 in the morning and scare the shit out of my cousin and my sisters friend while he's looking for me. then since he didnt go upstairs into my sister's room, he didn't find me, and so he sends me an email saying how he cleverly deduced i was sleeping at "my other boyfriend's" house. RIGHT. i fucking WISH.

i replied even though it was a waste of time and is just going to encourage him to keep dogging me most likely, though maybe not. hopefully. all i said was "i was in my sisters room asshole"

like he'd fucking believe me anyways. that fucker is such a paranoid delusional. as if being a dumb fucking jock wasn't bad enough.

what the fuck was i doing with him for a year and a half? lowering my IQ by about a hunderd apparently. wow. next time i meet a guy i think i'm attracted to i should probably just quit while im ahead and run away from him before all the fucked up shit starts.

in other news, it is awesome to have my cousin and her friend down here for new years. we're gonna go see avatar in 3D after "dinner" or "supper".... whichever fuckin one signifies an early afternoon meal

fucking ham too

i hate ham

and dad cooked SO MUCH of it. YUCK. im ready to barf already.

i think tomorrow i am going to do some therapy shopping and maybe apply to some jobs. hopefully $65 is enough to get a new bra, jeans, a pair of slacks, a couple of shirts and maybe even a dress...... the way i shop it usually is, hopefully there are some sales goin on at the mall otherwise i guess i should do walmart
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Thursday, December 31st, 2009

Time:3:16 am.
Mood: melancholy.
it's strange. this is definitely a victory for me but the taste in my mouth is still sour. maybe it's just the fact that i'm high as hell and it was too easy. but that was the point. it was just another attempt at a trick on his part to try and get me to stay with him. the whole 'act like it wont make a difference without her and she'll change her mind' routine. fuck off already.

happy new year, once again i'm bitter at the world and all my friends are avoiding to me and thinking to themselves 'told ya so bitch' and probably considering never speaking to me again if it hasn't already been decided. like always i would be the last to fuckin know.

while im at it might as well complain about my laziness in finding work.

this is bullshit. i'm such an idiot. fuck.

i need a fuckin new hobby. breakin hearts is much more stressful than i thought.
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